self-help

I do not do my self-destructive crap because there is something wrong with me or I am bad or malformed or failing in some deep inherent way. At age 26.5, I am used to feeling bad. I'm used to feeling like emotional crap. It's familiar. It's my default. It's pretty easy to trace back through my childhood and see all the pain and angst that made for my most common theme. But that's what I know how to feel and know how to live with, so that's the pattern I create for myself.

This little light bulb went off a few weeks ago. My procrastination and other dumb shit I do to screw myself up always felt like some deep uncontrollable flaw or something I should be fixing but wasn't and that was bad and it was another big icky-feeling judgmental turd on my soul. But this is oddly freeing. I know I'm only doing it because I'm used to it. That's much easier to break free from. Still not easy, but far less epic.

Right now I have a sinus headache from hell. I had a terrible cold this last week that's finally loosening its grip, but my sinuses are shot to hell now. I think I should be exempt from sinus headaches because of my migraines.

I may be buying a condo. Like, soon. Holy shit.