Taxing

I finished my 2010 Federal Taxes this morning and now I'm having a panic attack. My business came out either $1300 or $3000 (I'm still confused) in the red according to standard deductions and accounting and all that and I'm freaking out, even though I know much of that has to do with car and house depreciation numbers and deducting $300 for an office supply that was a gift from my parents. Still, that's kind of the real cost of  my  business and I'm just sucking money from the universe and I had no W-2s all of 2010 so I feel like a giant suck on society and a useless human being. I'm still not over the can't-hold-a-real-job-with-headaches-but-need-one-to-feel-like-a-real-person thing. Like if I'm not leaving my house on a daily basis and doing something for seven hours a day, I'm wasting community air. Never mind how bad my head got in 2010. Never mind being hospitalized half-way through. That feels like an excuse when I'm having a day without a headache, with just a pathetic panic attack that makes me feel even less human and more..well, pathetic. What I'm doing seems so useless when you put a big number up like -$3000. Will it ever be profitable in a real sense? If not, what should and can I be doing instead? And why can't I just logic through this like a strong real grown-up instead of a sniveling useless panic-attacker?

I'm hard on myself. But shouldn't I be? How will I ever be a grown-up otherwise? Except right now being hard on myself is making my cry and panic like a fucking baby. I take photos of things. I sell those photos and/or those things. People buy them. It isn't enough. When will it be enough? What do I have to do to constitute "enough?"

Conversations with 8-Year-Olds

"They're still talking."
"Yeah, grownups like to talk a lot."
"A lot a lot."
"I guess once you're grown up you stop having games and toys to play with so you talk instead."
"That's terrible!"
"It doesn't have to be. Talking can be fun."
[skeptical look]
"If you know how to use them right, words become your games, your toys. Words can be fun."

*actual conversation I had today

My building had a garage sale today. Only my downstairs neighbor and I brought anything out to sell, but many of the Cast of Characters came through. I sold my old microwave and bought a mirror for my dining room and a bag of bubble wrap.

One neighbor was having her porch professionally landscaped (really). Some cross between interior and exterior decoration with flower pots and chairs and a giant umbrella that looks perfectly nice but seems a bit out of place on a second floor porch with the third floor porch directly above blocking the elements. Then again, maybe the umbrella should be taken completely out of its utilitarian comfort zone and used as a general decor item. People hang pretty fans on their walls, so why not an umbrella over my coffee table? I'm not superstitious, and wouldn't it be lovely during the long Chicago winter if my living room set came straight from a the deck of a Carnival Cruise?

I'm not sure when exactly that last paragraph turned sarcastic, but it did. It would be amusing to turn my living room into a tropical resort, but I like the warm living space theme better than the tacky-with-irony right now.

At any rate, the landscaper brought along her son for the day and the poor kid had absolutely nothing to do. For the first hour he just hung around and played with my plastic toy cash register and found new and bored-looking ways to climb up and down the bottom few stairs. When we hit the afternoon lull in both customers and conversation, I asked the kid if he liked games or arts and crafts or anything I might be able to bring out for him from my condo.
"Arts and crafts!"
Boy had he come to the right place. I brought out my cardmaking stuff and showed him how to make envelopes and he had a grand old time. I'm just glad I don't pay for the paper considering how much he went through.

When I was a kid, I didn't want to be a kid and I wasn't very good at it anyway. Now I finally see the merits and it's time to grow up. I was much more comfortable with adults before I became one. It's harder to see when you're in the midst of something; maybe I like being the "other" so I can maintain perspective.