Sunday, October 26, 2008

No, this post isn't about you

Ever wonder what it would be like to have sex with people with whom you wouldn't necessarily actually have sex? What aspects of your current relationship (whatever it may be) would manifest themselves, and how?

I think about a certain past Boy. Our friendship was complicated to say the least. We could have a wonderful time together, driving around and going to diners and just hanging out and talking about life and the creative process and frustration and happiness and being silly and goofy and dumb as shit. But I had hopes and expectations and things I wanted him to be that he wasn't, and he could turn into a molten asshole on the head of a hairpin. When we hooked up, we always knew we shouldn't. There was something tumultuous and rebellious and sinister about it and we knew it, but the idea that we couldn't fight our passions and our bodies just made everything more desperate and burning and forceful. It was like all the hurt and anger of our relationship came crashing out and rippled and exploded until we were sated. But then he, having expressed what he needed to express, was satisfied, while I wanted more. I loved the tempest and had more to "say." I wasn't done.

Like the sad self-hating creature I was, I kept right on going in this cycle for years. Years. I don't know exactly what changed in me or the friendship to make the "tempest" stop, but hooking up is now just a familiar and pleasurable way attending to a physical need. It's also significantly less frequent, since said Boy has lived in another state for several years.

But it's not always the same part of a relationship that comes through. My sample size is way too small and my imagination is way too busy. I take one friend and wonder if it's the playfulness that would show up, or if we'd get weird and cerebral like we sometimes do, or if it would be just completely comfortable and whatever and ok, because that's also a part of things. Or another friend who might seem totally awkward and wrong, but also might be completely harmonious because we know eachother so well and in such strange intimate ways...

Yes, I need to get laid.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

excuses, excuses

Tonight, I got on the train in the wrong direction. Not my normal route or station because I went to catch the express one station beyond my usual stop. The red line towards the loop is on one side of the platform, so I assumed the purple line on that side also went towards the loop. It does not. It took me two stops into Evanston to realize this.

I was feeling ditzy and out of it and the gazillions of pills I'm on don't help matters. I was ten minutes later to meeting my dad for dinner than planned, though I'd texted him as soon as I got onto the right train.

According to him, my train mistake is part of my pattern of self-destructive behavior and people don't want to hear the excuses, they just want to hear that I'm sorry and I know it's not ok.

That's the kind of thinking that keeps me depressed and self-hating and crazy, not to mention, it's just not true.

I'm sorry for the intrusion on my dad's time, because he cares about timeliness (which is a serious pot calling the kettle black, but that's enough negative campaigning there, Annabell McCain...), but what are 10 minutes, really? Our reservation wasn't even until the time I showed up.

My "pattern of self-destructive behavior" could be seen as a "pattern" of all kinds of things. It's the pattern you're looking for. Getting on the wrong train is dazed, and this wasn't some major life anything. Plus, the fact that I could ride the train at all should be cause for celebration. My head has been very cranky the past few weeks and my "monthly cycle" is in super-fussy-mode, too. I had enough foresight to check the map from the el stop to the restaurant, knowing I haven't been "all there" and I didn't need to waste time hunting down Wacker when I could look it up before leaving. And I left my apartment with time to spare, as proven by my making it to the restaurant only 10 minutes late with a full wrong-direction train and then more waiting for the right one.

Not every imperfection in life is an excuse. Sometimes, they're just reasons. Because I'm human and I'm trying really hard to let myself be human and have that be ok.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Apparently, Topamax has terrible horrible withdrawal symptoms similar to Effexor's terrible horrible withdrawal symptoms. I have been feeling like cold sweaty death for a bit over 24 hours now, even though I got the Topamax back into my system a good 8+ hours ago. And NBF's dog won't stop whining at me. She is here for a doggy playdate/her and my mutual entertainment and company while NBF was at school all day, but I am not allowed to do anything other than play with her and at the moment that is annoying. Earlier it was just fine, because I was a doggy snuggle sandwich with a furry love blob in each hand. Now, I'm trying to get a teeny-tiny bit of work done while I'm sitting up, but that means getting sereneded by persistent whines.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Dream

I've been having dreams about anime. I'm alternately watching and taking part in a series in which consciousness is entirely cyberized so that you can enter/hack into the consciousness of anything from other people to fish. The main character is a variation on the General from Ghost in the Shell and there's some sort of shady something going on that she's investigating (I slip back and forth from watching and being her) and these rings of bad people are clearly about to do something and the question is what, and you don't know who's good or bad or themseleves or anything, and there's a general societal feeling that anybody not completely good is bad so that there is very little trust and checkpoints everywhere for everything and lawyers are some of the only people who know the real rights anybody has when being checked and for life in general, so they're this whole class of people that have a strange power of understanding the system which can then be used to help or to hurt people, so both good and bad people have really intense opinions about lawyers since they both completely distrust but also desperately need them. The main character person has no idea why the 2 or more lawyers that are trying to get in with the bad people ring and what their motivations might be, good or bad or inbetween. And the inbetween is a really difficult area to deal with, because the masses tend not to believe in it but the main character at least (particularly when I'm her) sees that the only good aren't the perfectly good and that people are mostly just people and that needs to be accepted.
 

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