big fat behind

After the trojan debacle, I downloaded Mozilla. I kind of like it.

I'm completely caught up in two of my classes now. I wanted to be completely caught up in all of my classes by the time I went to bed tonight, but that's not happening. I've written a shit-ton, but there is just so much to do. My migraine memoir draft is still beyond drafty, I have only 9 of 12 instances about computers, 0/9 instances about my phone sex stuff, no in-depth journal entry about Black Boy, and I still have to type up the things I wrote in tutoring and a a quick journal entry about my strengths and weaknesses as a writer.
So if you want to do any of that for me, let me know.

updating

The Comcast people never came or called. I should have called them, but I am lazy and my computer is picking up some new random free signal, so at the moment I am internetted, though it could go at any minute.

So much to update...

This weekend I will be traveling to Pennsylvania via LaGuardia airport to see three of my bestest friends from College Attempt #1. They are all on the east coast and two were randomly going to converge on the third's house (and more importantly, swimming pool), and Birdy said half joking that I should fly out, and I laughed, but then I realized I had no specific obligations this weekend and how amazing would it be to join them? So I am joining them. My dog will be staying with my parents for the first time ever without me. I'm sure it will be fine, since he is used to them and their house and all they have to do is make sure he has food and water and open the door to their yard every so often when he decides he needs to go out, but my mom isn't thrilled at the prospect.

My One Night Stand of several weeks ago is now my Facebook buddy and we message one another with some frequency. I'm entertained but apathetic about the whole thing. Very much a que sera sera.

I am done with summer school (Bs in both of my classes, which is fine by me) and fall semester doesn't start until September. I have a big long TO DO list for the next month and a half, but I haven't been this free and non-stressed...ever? I have the random promo jobs and things to do, but I don't have to actively seek work and I don't have big fat due dates and deadlines. It's amazing. I couldn't go on like this forever (I'll probably start getting restless in another week or so), but for the time being, it's wonderful.

E and Sunny both had birthdays and I never gave them shout-outs, so here is their official shout-out. HAPPY BIRTHDAYS!

Taste of Chicago was right by my school so I spent a lot of time and calories there. I even ate the humus that gave people salmonella, but I was fine. Maybe I have enough other stomach problems that they canceled out the food poisoning.

A few weeks ago, I went to lunch with three classmates (Mr. and Mrs. Toothpick and King Overshare), and King Overshare earned his name by telling us stories about sucking his cousin's toes while his cousin slept and his devastation upon purchasing a "sex machine" that turned out to be too small. Since that lunch, it has been The Toothpicks' and my goal to get King Overshare drunk. He was out of town for the debauchery of my drunken hook-up night, but after the last day of class we all went to a bar and all I can say is holy shit. King Overshare is gay and out of the closet only in recent years, but he managed to make absolutely everyone uncomfortable. At one point he was trying to do a strip show for the lot of us, then later he stretched out across three of our laps and proceeded to lick our faces while we tried to squirm away. He got into a long debate with the token class homophobe over whether or not every person on earth wants his or her asshole licked and God's intentions in creating so many nerve endings in the butt. Apparently, after most people left, something happened with my classmate's male roommate that no one will talk about except to say if the roommate ever sees King Overshare again, he is going to kick his ass.

Saturday night I saw Ratatouille with my parents. Cute and entertaining, though certainly no Finding Nemo.

Sunday was the day of people I knew in grade school. First, I went to my elementary school BFF's engagement party, then another person from back then hosted this movie night and discussion thing, and then we met up with another girl who started at our school in 5th grade and I hadn't seen in at least seven years. The whole thing was much fun.

Monday night Mr. and Mrs. Toothpick from my Fiction II class called to say they were going to see a Thin Lizzy cover band, so I joined them and much drinking followed.

The last few days I have been riding the el in my PJs handing out fliers for the Pajama Men's show. It's easy and $10/hour, so I can't complain.

I'm sure I am leaving out major chunks of life, but this will do for now.

you waited almost a week for THIS?

Things that need to suck it:

• the internet
• school.

The internet is down in my apartment again and my nice fabulous neighbor who lets me steal his internet is missing. I am a bit worried, because last time he went missing he was in the hospital detoxing from his anti-anxiety meds (apparently he has really awful panic attacks). So my inconvenience is comparatively small, but that's never stopped me from kvetching before. And the internet cafe by me was inexplicably closed yesterday, so late last night I headed over to NBF's apartment (he is in London, but I have the key and am supposed to make sure it doesn't implode while he's gone) to use his internet, but I forgot he took his mouse with him and that made it more trouble than it was worth, so I crashed there for the night and waddled across the street to the internet cafe by his place this morning before 10 AM. That's right, I did something on a Sunday morning on purpose. It helps that I have two papers and an online test due by tomorrow - I end up too stressed to sleep late. Splendid.

It's been a very long-seeming week, even though nothing particularly happened. I spent much of it writing my parody of Bartleby the Scrivener for my fiction class. Otherwise, I mostly just went to class, wrote other random crap so my head wouldn't explode, and then Friday night I went to open knitting at this yarn store by my school. That was good, forcing me out of my cave and meeting new people and such. Good for me. I deserve a cookie.

My sister called me last night to ask what she should do about my cousins' dog who just ate chocolate while she was babysitting them. Fortunately it was only a little chocolate and the dog was fine, but this was after she herself went to the emergency room earlier that day to get 12 stitches in her finger she sliced instead of an avocado. Earlier in the week, American Airlines canceled her flight and then lost her luggage for 5 days while she had to keep buying underwear and borrowing clothes.

I saw an infomercial for the Tattoo Factory and now I want one, and though I don't actually think I'll get one, if I did, I would want this artist.

I am very addicted to coffee again.

Enough procrastinating. I need to be writing these papers. They're only 3-6 pages long, but one requires research that I know must exist but I'm not finding. Want to write it for me?

crunchy time

I am taking the Activia challenge, which sounds much more impressive and proactive than it is. All it means is that I'm eating an overpriced yogurt every day for two weeks and hoping it makes my digestive system less fucked up.

I need more hours in a day. I finished my taxes but I have to go mail them and I haven't gone to the Verison store to deal with my phone yet, and my class starts in two hours. Perhaps more would have been accomplished had I not fallen back asleep for three hours this afternoon, but I'm back on the caffeine and haven't had my fix today. And my dog is in uber-whiny mode, which is a shame because he's just so cute and we had several good walks yesterday.

My internet is back up in my apartment, but I'm afraid to say anything lest I jinx it.

Sunny sent me this. Now I have to get married like 7 times.

phoney

My phone is now completely and totally dead. This was the new phone as of Christmasish. The part where the charger is supposed to plug in is busted so it won't charge. Yes, that's the same thing that happened to the last one. It was nice for a little while today, feeling free of the cell tether, but around 8 PM with no internet in the apartment or anything, I had myself convinced there were grave emergencies I'd learn of "too late" with no outside contact. So here I am at the internet cafe, which is brilliantly open until midnight. I need to not stay that long, though, since I want to hit the grocery store and I'm behind in my writing assignments for Fiction I and need to get up early tomorrow morning if I'm going to go to the Verison store and figure out the phone thing. I growl and gnash my teeth.

I should have more to say, but right now, I don't.

invisible forces

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
I think I am being stalked by an invisible force field of electromagneticstaticradio waves that is messing with my head and all electronic devices I use. My phone currently holds its charge for about 30 minutes of conversation before its 12 seconds of warning and then shutting off mid-conversation. My computer refuses to work with any internet inside my apartment (even with the code from my neighbor, it works for about 4 minutes every three days) and also won't hold a charge for more than 20 minutes. The Einstein Bagels by my apartment that's supposed to have wireless also wouldn't work and the manager didn't know what I meant by the "access code," even when I used small, nontechnical words. My brain will not behave itself for more than a week at a time before it thwacks me with yet another spring weather/pressure/stress migraine. These things are making me crazy, and keeping me from you, my precious blog.

Updates on the things that need to be updated:
My magazine article writing professor failed me because I had a third absence. "No exceptions." I could have been in the hospital and she still would have failed me. Cunt. Now I have to see if I can withdraw from the class so it doesn't show up on my transcript as an F. If I take it again, the F goes away in my GPA but not on my transcript. Not that anyone will look at my transcript and one F among many As is fairly explainable, but I'm ticked. Everyone in the fiction department was shocked and appalled at the stringency of her absence policy, but that's why I'm spending the rest of my college career in the fiction department and telling the journalism department to suck it. That and the fact the journalism department is significantly weaker and full of idiots. Suck it, Trebek.

I went to New York. It was much fun. We went to the Met and saw Les Mis and ate lots of good food and I saw Birdy and met Inri (for about 20 minutes before I passed out from food/wine/long day coma) and the airport was full of Jews going to Passovers.

Since New York, my life has been: sleep, write, eat, watch TV, poke dog, repeat.

Yeesh, so many things I must do while I have internet. I am very dependent on it these days. Butt.

a triumphant return before I go

It's internet! and it's in my apartment! I ran into my neighbor this morning and asked if he'd be interested in going in on a wireless network, and he said he already had one set up and would I like the encryption code? He's saying I don't have to help pay for it, either, but I feel like I should bake him a pie with a $20 in it every month or give him a blow job or something. Ok, maybe not the blowjob. He's a really nice guy, but I don't find him attractive. Maybe I should pay someone else to give him a blowjob a month.

I'm going to New York with the fam' Thursday night through Sunday. Very exciting. My baby brother is turning 18 (sweetmotherofgod) but all his friends are gone for spring break so my parents offered to take him to see shows and eat shmancy food in Manhattan and I got invited. I get to see Birdy and meet Inri, too. My dog will have to stay at the vet's, which has me feeling very guilty so I let him eat Corn Pops.

My apartment is actually cleanerish. Last week was my spring break and I spent a lot of it cleaning, and then Friday I had the service come in for three hours. I still have to go through a shittonne of papers and come up with some method of organization, but you can see 95% of the floor and walk around barefoot and use the sink and stove and whatnot. I even removed the old smelly things from my fridge. I deserve cookies.

Back to bed. So tired, but I have to meet a teacher at noon for my mid-semester conference. Penis.

snarf snarf snarf

Sweet mother of annoying, why won't my internet work? I am at school, once again a slave to the public use computers. Meanwhile, freaking out because I can't get my hands on the person I have to interview for the story that I absolutely MUST turn in tomorrow and I'm not sure what to do if I don't hear from him in the next few hours. I had a death migraine on Monday and it's still hanging around and I'm sick of it.

My class today was this ridiculous heavy event, like group therapy. We got into dead parents, dead friends, fighting in wars, and sexual abuse. Crazy shit. When class was over, my teacher (who is not a very touchy-feely guy) wouldn't let us leave until he'd given us each a hug. I felt totally shallow with my phone sex story. Now, I could use a beer, but I don't trust my head not to flare up again.

More to say, but I don't feel like saying it right now. Fluorescent lights make thinking and writing very difficult.

My improv show is Sunday at 2:30. If you are in Chicago, you should come see it.

WELCOME HOME, PENELOPE!

Oh, so much writing to make up for...but now I must be off to work!

Cell blog (one entry now that I got to a computer)

I miss my computer very much. I'm writing this on my cell phone. I got sick of making nbf check my email for me, so i paid the $5 for phone internet. Slow typing. Lots going on in my life right now. Paul simon was fantastic and my dad was thrilled and really cute and grateful, especially since i "allowed" him to dance. He has no rhythm so the rest of my family won't let him. Amazing how happy it made him.

I have a new job as a bartender at a major chicago theatre. SUC's girlfriend is my boss. She seems fabulous, and my cousin-in-law works there too. I get to see shows while i'm on the clock, too.

In other employment news, I got $400 worth of Nike gear including Nike+ shoes and a running jacket and fleece pants and a hat and gloves. A lot of the girls were on the fashion police thing, too, but mostly brunettes this time. I got made fun of for using the word "impeccable." total flashback to grade school when my vocabulary was a frequent teasing target. I hate that.

TJ & Dave was amazing last night, though Dave was out of town. A guy from the promo training was there and is apparently involved with 826CHI and is on an improv team. Small world. He's also ridiculously gorgeous. I'm still terribly intimidated by excessively beautiful non-stupid people. It's silly but I am. Like the way people get around celebrities, but I save my stammering for unknown Perfects.

After theg show SUC's friend asked TJ some toolish question about "TJ the improvisor versus TJ the person" and I burst out laughing. Mean, yes, but I couldn't help myself. I ended up having a brief conversation with him about migraines. Pretty self-centered of me to care less about celebrity and more about finding another person with my malady, but we determined my self-obsession long ago.

This is a lot to write on a cell phone. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get to a real computer so I can email playboy. I've been thinking a lot about my thing and a weekly or monthly column/blog is probably the way to go. That way i can talk about submissive calls one week and Lyla vs. Annabell another week and tricks to keep guys on the phone another week and the different ways calls end another week and so on. There are more than enough topics.

My computer had best get its butt back here soon.

I'm going to Graceland

HP and fax machines and Penelope are a collective pain in my butt. I'm at the library right now because that's the only way I had to check my own friggin' email. I do not do well without a computer at home, as I seem to no longer be able to write with a pen and paper.

The playboy.com editor asked to see my blog so I sent him the link, not remembering I had mentioned it/him just a few days ago. I am brilliant. Not that I said anything terrible, but people tend to get on guard (touche!) when you talk about them, no matter what you say.

My dad and I are going to Paul Simon tonight for his birthday. I'm excited. I'm supposed to meet him downstairs in just a few minutes. My stomach is a bit cranky because I fed it Popeyes at around 2 PM. It tastes so delicious and then I regret it within the hour.

Yesterday I spent a long time cleaning and reorganizing my closet. It still looks horrible, but I got a new plastic drawer thing and another multi-tiered skirt hanger, so that should help.

I'm working another promo this week. 24 1/2 hours over four days at $18/hour. Work is good.

Now, I'm going to Graceland.

Penelope (my computer) is dead. She should be undead in a few days, but the power cord finally became 100% useless and HP didn't have me in their computer as having paid for the 3 year I can hit it with a hammer and it's still covered warranty, so I had to fax my warranty proof of purchase and a bunch of other crap that I fortunately still had and in theory they'll come pick up, fix, and return Penelope good as new.

I'm at my parents house for the next three days but without my parents. My brother is 17 years old but because he is not 18 my mother thinks I have to be around as a legal adult. I think that's stupid. I'd be happy to be here to keep him company, but this is all just further proof that my mother needs to think of her children as incapable of functioning on their own. And she's all friggin' worried about us, too, like that my brother won't wake up in the morning or do his homework. Fortunately, he's all for proving to her that he's better off without her nagging and reminding him to do things every five minutes, so he plans to get all his work done and even get ahead and then leave it in a nice neat pile with a smiley face post-itted on top while he's out with his friends when they get home. I think it's brilliant.

In the less-than-brilliant category, I left my flash drive at my apartment and I'd made a pact with one of my improv class friends that we'd turn in our Triumphant College Return applications by Saturday and my essay crap is all on there. Grrr.

It is absolutely freezing here. Red, my dog and I went to my brother's soccer game this afternoon and it started snowing. I had my dog layered in a sweater and his fleece-lined coat and he was still all shivery. I'm a terrible doggie mama.

computer, email, aquarium

Today I only left my apartment to walk the dog. That was dumb. I did get a few things done, but I get stir-crazy. My computer is being stupid again with the power cord not staying properly so I either have to hold it or get it "just so" and then leave it to charge. It's making me a bit nuts, but I don't want to call HP until I've backed everything up and I can't back everything up until I get a flash drive, so the real solution is to get a flash drive, but that is expensive and I'm hoping to get my phone sex check first. Almost $200. Then the Fashion Police check for almost $600 should follow shortly. Then I can monetarily breathe a bit again.

Exciting email I just got: the writer/improver girl from the fashion police gig knows a playboy.com editor and offered to "hook me up." I already responded with the official "hell yes," as that would be a very good way to start publishing my phone sex schtick. Sure, it's not the New Yorker, but Playboy (even .com) is pretty damn good and perhaps more up the topical alley, and I could probably use it as a jumping-off point for turning it into a book if I so desire. I don't want to jinx anything, but this feels like things falling into place, or at least something in the right direction.

Last night E and I went to the aquarium open house and it was awesome and we got to pet a shark and see the baby beluga (which is now kind of shedding and gross looking, but it's still cool) and look at all sorts of behind-the-scenes stuff and watch them feed caiman lizards and the anaconda and I am the biggest dork ever. It's funny, I don't even like fish that much, but I love the aquarium. I really do. It makes me giddy.

My scalp is all itchy. No dandruff, but itchy. Any suggestions?