Roach Attack

Roaches were living in my dishwasher.

Shock value accomplished, I should be more specific. There's space in the door behind the stainless steel face where all the electrical and mechanical workings of the dishwasher stay dry. I imagine if you're a bug it's a pretty fabulous space to live, warm and steamy, always surrounded by food smells, but dry enough that there's a designated spot in there for your instructional  booklet.

I clean my kitchen a lot. I get a bit OCD about it. The first time I opened the dishwasher and a roach crawled out, I was grossed out as all  hell but I chased it down and killed it. The second time I opened the dishwasher and a  roach crawled out of the same little spot as the first time, it was too disgusting a possibility to comprehend. Then Friday I saw a  roach on the digital display, went to kill it, and discovered it was in the digital display.
Screwdriver, paper towels, garbage bag, indoor bug spray.
I had my dishwasher in pieces and it wasn't even 7:30 AM.

As soon as I saw the bug in the display I had this mental picture of a horror show crawling with a layer of roaches. So when instead I chased maybe 20-50 insects out of plastic compartments and insulating foam and around the wires and processors, it felt quite manageable. "Cockroach holocaust" and "I'm issuing a fatwa on creepy crawly things" kept playing in my mind. [Insert thought-provoking commentary on the religious nature of my bug-killing mentality HERE.]

I need to go camping. Then I'm invading the bugs' space and things are supposed to be dirty covered in dirt because they are made out of dirt.

Thanks to a 2 1/2 hour nap today, I am awake  after 10:30 PM for  the first time since...Wednesday?

Un(w)hol(l)y Developed Ideas

In the future, when Humanism becomes an actual religion with its own rites and dogma, it will have its own ceremony, akin to a christening, welcoming new babies into the world. Parents will choose for their child a Humanist name. It will consist of two names, usually the same number of letters, written on top of one another. The name can then only be pronounced by two people simultaneously, so no Humanist can speak his or her full name alone.

Name generator gave me 10 random girls' names, Serena and Emilia had the same number of letters and sound, poof! Instant Humanist name. Works in any language. Two Hebrew names for Annabell according to another generator, אהובה and תפארה, Humanist-ized:

At the naming ceremony, it takes more than one person to say the name of the child just as it takes more than one person to raise and shape the life of the child.
At weddings, Humanists look deeply into one another's eyes and say together their full names, able to speak them in true completeness with one single other person. Superstitions will arise about couples who fumble during the speaking of names—fumble the first and you will have many children, fumble the second and one partner will be unfaithful, fumble both and you will be killed by pirates on your honeymoon cruise.

That's it, I'm starting a cult.

Or walking my dog and then making pie and photographing as many things while it's still daylight as possible. Cult might be more lucrative and make a bigger impact on society, but being a regular human being is my current project and, while I find it rather difficult, its rewards are far deeper and more stable than having my visage carved into the hedges by human lemmings.

Positive Thinking turns Existential Crisis

To do list:
Give self credit for the good I accomplish

So jobs that pay and count me as a productive member of society are a bit of a no-go right now. I still do a lot of good. I'm a good person. I don't feel like a good person, but examining the evidence* I certainly have the thoughts and actions of a good person. After having lunch at a recently opened restaurant for the second time and being once more blown away by the fabulous quality of the food, I will leave a review on Yelp. Writing Yelp reviews is easy for me because there's no obligation and I can do it whenever I'm up to it and if I'm never up to it or can't come up with anything to say, it doesn't matter. But when I do publish something on there, it is a service to everyone who reads it and, in the case of positive reviews, a service to the business that made me happy.

I kept the kid entertained for hours on Saturday. It felt to me like "Of course I played with the kid. It was fun and gave me something to do and I couldn't have just left him to sit there bored for four hours." But (thank you, Therapist), everybody else around was quite fine going about their own lives and not giving a flying crap about the happiness of the 8-year-old. I could have brought my card stuff out and worked on it alone and been much more productive in a cards-to-sell sense. But I didn't. I did a good thing.

Good things are good. They are not just expected and obligated. For me there are only obligations and failures. Bad bad bad bad bad. See the good in yourself, Annabell. Acknowledging my own accomplishments (particularly in my own head) is not inherently conceited.

We are all sinners in the eyes of God. Terrible, wretched creatures drawn towards doing terrible, wretched things. Only Gratitude and Magic Words can set us free. Only Good Works and Acknowledging our own Helplessness and Magic Words and Obedience can set us free. Only Death can set us free and God decided ahead of time if that Freedom will be Eternal Suffering or Glory. Only Death can set us free and We decide in every act if that Freedom will be better than the Wretchedness.

Wait, I was raised Jewish.

We are all terrible wretched creatures for what we've done to our mothers by not calling them enough. Only an advanced degree in something that pays well can set us free.

Holy shit, that's my life.

Can I please train myself to think differently? Here's the one I get glimmers of and try to maintain but my satirical Jewy version always looms and beats it up:

Everything is beautiful. Even the most wretched, sick, sad, atrocious is part of The Beautiful. Every time we laugh and remember and breathe and look around, we are free. But it is still our job to help comprise The Beautiful and live our lives, so making as much Happy as possible becomes the daily goal. And then it doesn't feel like such a struggle. It doesn't feel like an escape to be free.

Meanwhile, I just ate a ton of gummy bears and will probably regret it later. Can I look at that as funny? Keep remembering how ridiculous it is? Enjoy the gummy bears. They were tasty and gummy.

I am not wicked for learning how to smile inside before I learn how to make a living. Happiness is more important happiness is more important happiness is more important happiness is more important happiness is more important. Feeling guilty about spending this time writing in my blog instead of doing something that makes an obvious stride towards my financial independence is part of the ridiculous. I won't be happy at anything until I reconcile that guilt. Can I take it out and beat it with sticks? I'm trying to write it all out, but it's more of a snake of grime oozing out of the pore of a blackhead than any satisfying burst. I hope it doesn't scar.

Things I think are funny on Christmas

• Spelling Jesus "Jeezus" and Jeebus" and wishing everyone a Merry Baby Jeezus Day a lot
• The phrase "tree-worshiping pagan infidel"
  
• When collecting torn wrapping paper, refusing to put it in the garbage bag, saying quite deadpan, "I want to put it in the middle of the floor of my living room."
• The dead silence and glares that followed
• My Jew family going to the movies, because that's what Jews do on Christmas
  
• My Jew family ordering Chinese food for dinner tonight, because that's what Jews do on Christmas

like a prayer

Tonight, my father, the agnostic doctor, told me he's praying for me. When did I become something to be prayed for? And when did he start praying?

While I've lost all faith in the present knowledge of modern medicine and never really had any in a misaligned qi, prayer never even occurred to me. Even as I was reading all the C. S. Lewis Christian apologetica, Religion seemed less real than Narnia. Prayer gets filed away alongside witchcraft, superstition, The Secret and unbalanced gall bladder qi. My migraines are what's real and immediate, and even with this unending bout that feels like forever, my pain has boundaries and practical consequences and if not solutions, at least ways of maintaining myself and my life. Prayer seems so hopeless, like a declaration of giving up; which is funny considering how narcissistic it seems, having this idea that a cosmic being needs only your reminder to fix what ails you. I do have a sense of some greater, divine order to things. It's not so concrete as to call it a belief, but right now my faith and spirituality are much more concentrated on flowing through and beyond this thing. Migraines are on the list of things we silly humans haven't figured out yet, and until we do (hopefully but not expectedly in my lifetime), I have to make the most of this portion of my existence. I'll take my good hours and do things that make me feel happy and productive. I'll continue seeing doctors and witchdoctors alike. I'll try to take care of myself and my dog and the embers of my long-term ambitions as long as we three require tending. And hopefully, Spaghetti Monster willing, this will end.

Toying with God

Today on BBC.com, there is an article on the "faith-based toys" soon to be sold at Walmart. They're bible story action figures. I hope parents realize that it'll be a matter of hours before Spiderman, Optimus Prime, and G.I. Joe totally kick the crap out of Peter, Paul, and Darth Vadar in the epic battle of Dakota and Corey's backyard. Two days later, baby brother Logan will be rushed to the emergency room with Moses's staff lodged up his nose or choking on the disembodied head of Jesus. Another week or so and Paul will be riding My Little Pony home from work to greet his wife, Barbie, and their children, Baby Jesus and a Cabbage Patch Kid. I'm just saying...

And for the girls? P31 dolls, "based on the biblical teaching of Proverbs 31." Correct me if I'm wrong, those of you with more bible learnin' than me, but Proverbs 31 seems very "Woman, get in the kitchen!" And the fact that these dolls come "with an accessory kit, containing a Bible lesson (based on Proverbs 31:20), two cookie-cutters, a cookie recipe, and a list of exciting activities," makes me wonder if all of these "exciting activities" are domestic training. Doesn't bode well for the Future Feminists of America.