recurrent dream, get happy

Recurrent dream I had again last night:

I'm back at Unnamed Liberal Arts College or (like last night) Interlochen Arts Camp, only it's now a built up with restaurants and bars and shopping malls and a monorail/elevated train/bus shuttle system. In the Interlochen versions I'm going back to work again but I have to be a few weeks late because of some other commitment so I'm coming into things in the middle and it's ok but only kind of and I'm dropped in the middle of things and I have to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing and where everything is and I look for markers of the few buildings that stayed where they used to be but so much has changed and I realize how long it's been since I've been back. I look for HDS and sometimes I find her and that's wonderful and exciting and makes me happy.

Dream theme/summary: you can't go home again. I wonder why that's so pressing and common in my sleepy subconscious. Am I trying to go home again? Interlochen was my happy place and Unnamed Liberal Arts College (particularly my friends) was happy place when I wasn't busy being horribly depressed. I'm trying to create new happy places now. I'm trying to remember my happy times to prove to myself that I am capable of being happy. Concentrate on good thoughts and good things. I have an easy time doing that with external stuff, like how gorgeous the universe is (have you seen the lake by my apartment? Chicago's architecture? Absolutely everything on my bus ride downtown? I love that bus ride), but a much harder time when it comes to anything internal. Back to the whole "I suck" thing that is so engrained in everything I think and do. But why? If there's so much gorgeous in the universe, and I am part of the universe, why isn't there gorgeous in me? So I'm trying to find and concentrate on the gorgeous parts. Find and concentrate on the happy things and happy thoughts that are internal. It's exhausting. Probably because it's so unnatural for me right now. Which is sad, not dumb like I automatically think. Sad. Why is it dumb? No. Sad. The fact that I think it's dumb is sad. So let's fix it. No, fix is too harsh. Work on it. "Work on it" gives it the time and energy it deserves and takes.

This is why people go stay in hospitals or Bell Jar-esque resorts for months while they get happy. It takes a lot of concentration to completely change your thought process.