Discharge

I'm leaving the clinic today. I still have a migraine.
In the hospital, I don't have to remember my pills and meals all day. I don't worry about paying bills, running errands, making plans. They take care of me.
They also struggle to find my veins so they can then shoot me full of drugs. The IV lines start to hurt almost immediately, and after a day, ice packs and deep breathing are no match for the excrutiating pain ripping into my hand and burning its way up my arm.
They do this in the middle of the night, too.
And the food 65% sucks.

At home I take care of myself. It's hard for me. I see couples taking care of eachother and I'm jealous, but I push people away so I can prove to myself that I'm capable. HDS doesn't do dishes. Another friend of mine doesn't drive in the city or on highways. Other people don't kill bugs or clean showers. The longer I'm alone, the more I'm forced to learn.

Lately, I've been a stagnant smog of  indecision. I've been turning to other people for excuses to go one way or another on all choices. HDS refuses to make decisions for me because she knows I'm just looking for a way to blame someone else for the outcome. Maybe that's the only way I know how to let myself off the hook; everything is someone's fault, so how can it be not mine?

I now have to wear a medical alert bracelet for my MAOI patch. Honestly, I'm glad. I want something to show for all this fucking pain.

All the other symptoms, too.

In some ways, I belong in a hospital. My memory is swiss cheese. Faces blend together. Being fucked up in the hospital is ok. But at home I want to run around and go to the bar and see friends. At home, I have a very hard time keeping up with friendships. People (Neighbor Guy) take it personally when you repeatedly cancel plans. Other friends stop calling when they don't want to bug you in case you have a headache. It takes that much more effort when you  have that much less energy. But today I so desperately want out of this fucking hospital and the IVs out of my veins, I'm taking charge and responsibility and out out out.