The smoke/carbon monoxide detector battery beep is going off in the vacant apartment next door but the door is locked so I can't shut it up and instead it is driving me insane. I called the apartment management company two hours ago. Kill kill kill. I could just do what I need to do and then leave, but much in my recently formed tradition, I'd rather subconsciously punish myself and procrastinate on what I need to do in my apartment and let it make me miserable because I think I deserve to be miserable. Wheeeee!

I need more intellectual pursuits so my brain doesn't go self-analytical-insane-self-picky-wtf all the time. My aunt and uncle company job sure as shit doesn't keep me stimulated. Think of more cards all the time. Think about rebranding my whole "company" (I put it in quotes because it feels like quotes...it really is a company now with its own business checking account and EIN and everything) and making something out of it in a way that I can do. Try to think about the phrase "the way that I can do" without my heart sinking and my eyes welling up like I'm some useless washed up wreckage of humanity. Try to concentrate on the process that is my life instead of my misguided inner notion that I'm supposed to be something or do something. Reconcile the things That I actually want with the things I'm able to accomplish, and start liking myself enough to allow myself to accomplish things. Call the people I keep saying "I really need to call ____" and know that it's ok that I'm going to spend the conversation in tears and be the needy self-centered friend for awhile.

I've been fighting myself so hard this past year. I've been trying to see the world as positives and make the most of my can't-kill-me-and-way-better-off-than-most-of-humanity-but-still-hard-for-me-to-digest shit sandwich.

Crap. Maids are here. Another source of guilt: my parents paying for maids to clean my apartment because I don't do it myself and they insist. Going to print things to be mailed for Etsy business and run errands and then back to NBF's house where dog is hanging out. So much more to write and bitch and brood. Bah.