I don't want to do aaaaaaaanything today. I want to hold as still as possible with warm dog and warm computer and no shower and watch tv and movies. Dog is so warm, livingroom is so sunny, body is on the shores of that little island of Notinpain but certainly not running across the beaches or building sandcastles. These are the days that trouble me. I never know if I should push myself to do things and be busy and that's all I need to feel better, or if by pushing myself I'll end up crashing and burning and breaking things. When I feel just a touch worse, it becomes clear and I slip into my migraine-mode and I knit and do my other quite low-stress projects and stop being so hard on myself. I'm not sure being hard on myself gets me much further when I feel well, so I think today I will try allowing myself to do and not do whatever and trust that if it's really that important,  if I really care about it and it matters, I will get it done. So how much longer before I shower?

Of note: growing up, my parents (mom in particular) would constantly nag and berate about  absolutely everything until it got done. Every task came with a feeling of resentment and conflict. Procrastinating was a form of rebellion, like a naughty pleasure and a scarring masochism. I try to recreate that same narrative of "Shouldn't you be ___ right now? How long have you been doing this other useless thing instead? Ok, after the next ___ you will do the thing you should be doing." Then of course after the next ____ I continue to do whatever it is that I said I would stop doing and bargain with myself. "Ten more minutes." Ten minutes later: "I have to finish this thingy." After finishing that thingy, "That wasn't nearly satisfying enough. I need to do another thingy."  Then, " I told you you should have been doing that other thing an hour ago! Now you have hardly any time to do it. Go go go! What's wrong with you? Why do you always do this?"

As they used to say on the old anti-drug ads, "I learned by watching you!"

Not today. Today, I am allowing myself the freedom of a full migraine day, but without a full migraine, let's see what I do.  Hopefully not get a migraine, because that's already a possibility the way the lights have been moving...