Fixing My Exchange Rates

Pegging your happiness to another person is a lot like pegging your country's currency to the dollar—when you're feeling week and unstable it may seem like a good way to prop up your emotional economy, but ultimately you have no ability to micro-manage when your markets' ups and downs don't coincide, and the whole thing is just a total fiscal policy cop-out to begin with. "Oooh, Annabellians can't help their sudden decline, just look at the US Dollar. Maybe she should have pegged to the Yen..."

But hey, why not peg to a person, a currency, an anything. As long as I'm going through all these crazy psych drugs that mean the physical feelings of my emotional feelings aren't matching up and it's hard enough to tell who and what I want when it doesn't go along with who and what I think I should want, I could just as easily pick a religion or my horoscope or the migration patterns of salmon. I just want to pick something and follow something real and concrete for a change, because the whole head/heart thing just doesn't work. Sometimes I'm allowed to listen to my heart, sometimes I'm not, and I'm terrible at discerning the two when I'm not going up and down on drugs.

My therapist is a big fan of "choose happy," and I'm trying to "choose happy," but is this big nagging chunk of me keeps doing its "I'm still here and I'm not happy and you're just ignoring me" dance. But where's the balance of working through things versus brooding on and obsessing over things? Staying positive versus ignoring what's bothering you? These things are hard for me and they occupy more of my emotional and mental space than life has room and I don't like myself very much as a result. I'm working on it. Or I'm trying to work on it. Or I think I'm trying to work on it. I don't even know. I go to therapy. I take pills. I write. I cry. I snuggle dogs. I knit. I write more. And I keep waiting for some sort of miracle change, like I'm trying to get somewhere. Logically, I know this is my life. The process. Stop. Smell roses. Lather rinse repeat. This is where I am and I have to stop worrying and hoping and working for this magical "one day" shiny happy salvation idea, but I'm not there yet. The logic is there, the heart is not. The heart is used to being sad so we keep singing our sad song together. Yes, the song gets happy, but it doesn't stay happy. I live in my little overfeeling life of overprivelage feeling overguilty and overwhining and then getting mad at myself and feeling more overguilty for the overwhining
STOPSTOPSTOPSTOP. DOING IT AGAIN. This is definitely the "bogged down" category. Stop it, self. Watch more 1978 Battlestar Galactica. Snuggle more dogs. And for the love of gawd, start an intellectually stimulating project so you don't have so much extra brain energy to spend being crappy to yourself.

Anyway, Malaysia was on a fixed exchange rate and they're doing pretty damn well now, so who am I to make these ultimatums?