Lyla v. Annabell: Dance of the Misplaced Id

I thought Lyla was Annabell's id. She is not. She is not even close. The act of playing Lyla is an expression of my id, but Lyla is a character. She has no opinions of her own. She is whatever the caller likes and wants. She is a compilation of expectations and stories from things I have read and seen and heard. That's why it doesn't bother me when Lyla shows up in Annabell's life, but it freaks me out when Annabell shows up in Lyla's.

Lyla in Annabell's life is my love for improv and my admitting to an almost academic study of sex an sexuality. Even that was a little scary at first, but once I mastered the art of compartmentalization, Lyla became my funny little hobby. She was something I did, not something I was.

Annabell in Lyla's life is a bit scarier. Certain major components were always there, like my age and looks and fictionalized versions of my non-sexual experiences. But even for my experiences I always have to add in an element of untruth to keep things from getting too personal. And the once or twice my honest-to-god fantasies/kinks popped up, I completely freaked out after the call. I had to give myself a good long whatthefuck before I was ready to be anybody again.

For the phone sex job and my day-to-day sanity, this compartmentalization is probably a good thing. It seems healthy and important to maintaining my double-life project. But it has also created a new problem: I no longer know what Annabell likes and thinks and wants until it pops up in Lyla's narrative and weirds me out. I've done such a good job of suppressing Annabell's id in Lyla's world that I can no longer access it (my id) in my world. It peered out the other night in a nice safe Annabell place and I didn't know what to do with it. I got lost in my head, stuck between Lyla's stories and Annabell's actions and not knowing what were Lyla's versus Annabell's actual desires. I overthought without thinking out and ended up frozen.

The moral of the story? I think Lyla needs a short (hours? days? hopefully less than a week) vacation while I air out Annabell's id. Remember and/or figure out what I want and like and desire. And who knows - maybe being aware of my true id will make for an improved compartmentalized Lyla and an entirely better Me.