Vomiting Mathmos

NBF enjoys the dark clouds and rainy days. He loves me best when I'm at my worst.

Yesterday was difficult. He doesn't like me having my own agenda. He wanted to come back and lay around and watch movies and do nothing all day like old times, except when he had plans with other people and then he wants to go off and do that and then I can do my stuff. I wanted him to come back and see my shiny new friends and shiny new condo and shiny new life and all the things I do and I wanted to prove to myself that all my new shiny things are strong enough to resist his dark cloud urgings and NBF would finally get the benefit of Shiny New Annabell after putting up with three years of Sad And In Pain Annabell. But that's not how it works. With much of the world and my life these days, I can have positive hopes and ideas and then throw myself in the direction of hope/idea and as long as I just sort of go with things and remain flexible, it's all fine and new and interesting and I enjoy whatever comes out. I make money, I meet people, I enjoy the ride. NBF tends to amplify all the negatives. Last night at the bar, everyone was watching the Bears game like zombies. Possible Boy and Other Girl were sitting at a table together with Other Girl's dog. NBF informed me that the two of them were clearly on a date/together and didn't invite us to sit down so they didn't want us there. NBF had many other absolutes of social "knowledge" that in the past I've listened to and taken for fact, and while they are in fact helpful as guidelines, there's so much more to human interaction. NBF has this huge pill of doubt festering in me now that Possible Boy and Other Girl don't want me around at all and don't enjoy my company, but have other context clues and know that's just not true. But the fucking doubt! I had no friends when I was little. People hated me and thought I was annoying. I'm very susceptible to that seed of darkness. I'm drawn to the negative. I frequently am the negative. I've been doing so well. I can continue to do so well. NBF sees the world through puke-colored glasses, and no matter how sure he is about the universe, he's only "right" because he makes himself right. I'm still skating around on fairy dust and I hope to continue for the rest of my life. If he doesn't want to be included, our paths still cross at some wonderful points and the rest of the time I just have to learn to smile.