worry, boy

I'm feeling weird and panicky. I've been this way since Saturdayish. At first I thought it was Boy-related, but now I think it's just me. Medication? Hormones? Something I'm not doing that I know I need to do but have crammed below my consciousness? I used to get this way over that last category, but I'm not finding it right now. I've been eliminating those dark clouds, not creating more of them. So the Panic may be chemical. Blech.

It started with The Boy. But I'm thinking Possible Boy may not be so much anymore. I'm slipping into a status member of his fanclub, and our interactions are reminding me more and more of the bad parts of some of my Boys past. I caught myself starting to revel in the yearning that had nothing to do with Possible Boy himself, meanwhile back in reality he's so completely unsure about anything that I had to ask myself if the struggle was worth it. I'd gotten my hopes up for plans yesterday that never happened, and I'm ignoring an entire world's worth of Possibility prematurely for a Boy who isn't even doing me the same favor. Fuck it. He can keep a glimmer of possibility, but I'm taking my hopes and dreams back. He never asked for them in the first place.

NBF finally booked his ticket. He shows up Saturday.

I'm worried about my dog. That's a real worry. He's been chewing on himself a lot and we never went to the cardiologist. I wanted to get reimbursed from his doggy health insurance for his last round of ailments before having to dole out hundreds for new things, but there may not be a choice.

Seriously, stomach, shut up. I have to go spend 8 hours in a hot auction room as soon as I convince myself to put on clothes and make a final phone call or two. Do I dare pop my lorazepam? I'm already so overmedicated, but this is exactly what it's meant to "fix."