Daughterhood Damnation

Today I'm being a jerk because I overslept and since I have to go in to work tonight it's not worth my coming over for just a few hours, so I'm coming tomorrow instead and the painters are supposed to start on my former room today. I'm the one saying I'm being a jerk. I'm allowed to be a jerk. But I'm being too passive-agressive about my jerkiness. I think the trouble is she and I are both being completely passive-agressive and trying to negotiate doing things for ourselves versus things for eachother while the two goals are at odds. We both see ourselves as martyrs for the other and just end up miserable. But as long as we're going to be narcisistic about things, I'm now trying to take care of myself first which means being the "bad guy" and trying to stomach my role as such. Except even in doing that I'm still pulling my whole martyr bullshit in that "I will take on the negative role in order to free us from this vicious cycle." Please tell me there is some way to escape from a) myself and b) turning into my mother. Because this little dance leads right back to Depressionville and I hate it. And being aware of it just frustrates the hell out of me when I still don't know how to stop it. I end up overwhelmed and useless and crying and crawling back into bed. Mmmm...bed...

But now here's a thought: perhaps the reason cleaning out my old room has been such an issue is that it's admitting I've grown up and moved on. And for me cleaning it out sucks because it feels like going back (not to mention it's tedious and insanely time consuming), while for her drawing out the process just makes it more painful. It's a thought. Let's just hope tomorrow I can finish it all and be done with it. At least this particular chapter of "it." I'm sure the shit with my mother will continue until we and any female offspring into the future of our family lines are all dead.