Floating Head, Frozen Heart

Today I am woozy. All day. At one point I was sitting in bed on the computer and a piece of paper in my peripheral vision moved and floated of its own volition. I turned to look at the paper and it was still kind of floating in a halo. Then everything looked floaty.
Not. Fucking. Cool.
Cool if you're dropping acid or smoking pot or doing some other purposeful thing to alter your perception of reality. Cool if you get to brag about it later to your friends. Significantly less cool when you immediately start to wonder if you somehow messed up your very legal doctor prescribed medications, if there was something you had eaten or hadn't eaten (the latter of the two being my most common culprit, though probably not today). Finally, Cool curls up into a little ball and whimpers in anguish when you start figuring out where you are in your completely fucked up menstrual cycle. Ah yes, sorry Cool, but I think it doesn't matter how many pills I shove down my throat, my body goes crazy every time it remembers it's female.

Last night was more general evidence of my biologic sex.
I've been in general targetless boy-craving mode all week. For the first time since, well, "band camp," I have this collection of boys who want me. I'm trying to convince myself to want some of them back without them feeling like consolation prizes.
One came home with me last night.
He ate cornflakes
We talked, and the whole conversation was just a huge reminder of why I'm so averse to really dating him. His answer for everything is "Well, just do it." Everything is black and white, and most of it is black. He truly is what hipsters aspire to be. It's not necessarily a bad thing and there's a lot more to him than just that, but I am a writer. Equivocation is a lifestyle for me. He thinks I should just stop. He thinks that's an answer. Well, it's an answer, but once again, there are an infinite number of answers and who's to say what's right? Does it make me happy? I don't know. Is it supposed to? It's where I am right now and may not be forever but it is how I make sense of the world. I'm not satisfied with "yes" and "no."
"Yes" and "no" may never enter the playing field with this boy since the closest thing he did to making a move was pull me into an awkward hug. I wasn't helping or encouraging. I'd eaten a huge late dinner and my stomach was not happy and then he was declaring the world a shallow awful place. Maybe next time I'll put post-it notes up to remind myself to use boys for general life experience. I'm already being not nice by being vague and waffly, if I start actively using boys then they at least get something out of it.