Drowning in the tears of my sorrowfully corny water analogies

Why is it so difficult for me to escape from under my parents' (particularly my mother's) thumb(s)? It's like I can't live certain large pieces of my life for fear that I'm just living them to shut her up and make her happy. There are phone calls I need to make and I will make without it being a big deal, but then she asks if I have made them, and I feel this overwhelming shame that I haven't already done them and she thinks that I should have. Never mind the fact that it's not a big deal that it's not already done, and that while I do like to procrastinate I also make sure things happen by the time they truly need to happen. But holy shit does her disapproval weigh heavily on me. And she's convinced that the real reason it bothers me is because I'm the one actually disapproving of myself, but the things she has no access to in my life or doesn't know or ask about tend not to bother me, even though I initially treat them the same as the things she does ask about. And those things are much easier for me to do. I do them without the sick feeling of guilt weighing me down. I hate that feeling. It paralyzes me more than anything. It's the clear source of my recent feelings of depression creeping in. But I can't ask her to stop asking and worrying about me and what I'm doing with my life. Even if they weren't monetarily supporting me. She's my mother; she worries. That's her job. Something needs to come from inside me where I can not care so much what I'm doing to her and worry more about what I'm doing to and for myself.

The going back to school thing has been a huge example of all this. It was an idea I had on my own, without her suggestion. But it clearly made her happy and she'd ask about every fucking bit and piece of my application and if this or that was done and advise me that it was more important to get it in sooner than to make it perfect and have I been contacting my reference enough to make sure he's sent in his part and have I called the office there to make sure they got all my transfer stuff? The answer was no. But it was a big enough step that I was thinking of going back and to have gone back last semester was just too fast for me to get used to the idea and be truly ready to attempt academia again. For this next semester, I actually have quite a bit of time before things are due. So I'm not making the calls so fast and sending the emails right away because each piece is like stepping a little deeper into the water. I was never one to jump in, I had to go slowly, step by step, until I was ready and happy to be in and under there. "I just worry if you wait it won't happen," my mother keeps saying. But I'm realizing more and more that if it doesn't happen in a way I'm comfortable with, I'll be right back where I was three years ago, miserable and incapable of moving forward in any direction.
My parents both see these things as excuses. And while I feel these things too deep down for them to just be excuses, as soon as they call them excuses I feel guilty for having the feelings at all. And it's not my parents' fault that they think these things are BS, but it's extremely invalidating and causes me to not give myself credit or let myself do what I need to get to where I want to go. It's like standing by the side of the water with them yelling "Jump! Jump!" so instead of going in my way and not going at all. But I can't ask them not to yell "Jump!" I've tried that, but they see it as unfair to them when they really think I should just fucking jump, and there's not much I can do to shut them up or stop them from thinking it. So I have to learn to ignore them. Learn that, no matter how much they say or how much they yell or how many people do learn to swim better by jumping in, I know how I need to approach things and at the end of the day, I'm the one who is going to have to actually live my life every second and that's not being selfish (doesn't help that my mother tends to believe any time I don't do what she thinks is right I am being selfish, but again, I need to learn to ignore her). It's what's necessary.

In the meantime, I actually have gotten much more comfortable with the fact that I'm the one who wants to go back to school to learn how to write better and figure out what it is I want to write and how and where I want it published. It's not just what's convenient or makes sense or makes them happy (things that were integral to my first failed attempt at college). And as I've gotten more comfortable with the idea, I've also discovered how much easier it is to lie to my mother and tell her I'm not sure that's what I want right now and I have to figure it out so leave me alone. I don't know if the two are related or healthy or what, but it's sure as hell making it easier to send the emails I need to send and make the calls I need to make.

And with that, it's gotten late. Fudge. I need to get to the DMV to renew my license plate sticker and yell at them for never sending me any sort of renewal notice or forms and then giving me a bazillion tickets during what's supposed to be the grace period. Oh well, I can go tomorrow when they open. This little emotional purge was extremely necessary. I've been floundering and useless lately, but identifying what's been gumming up the works tends to help de-gum them. And for as much as I liked therapy, it's far less helpful for me when someone else is steering my process, since I can feel the difference between what does and doesn't effect me and it's not worth the trouble of finding a therapist good enough to not hold me back more than (s)he pushes me forward. There just aren't enough of them.

Mmm...bitter, tearful, cynical, cleansing ramblings...gotta love 'em.