So your friend/family member/loved one has a migraine: a surprisingly simple guide

• Step 1: Shut the fuck up
• Step 2: Get the fuck out of the way

If you are particularly inclined towards helpfulness, the following are nice things to do, but should NEVER interfere with your shutting up or staying out of the way. Not even to let the migraine sufferer know you have done them. And don't expect visible gratitude, since that may be beyond the migraine sufferer's current capacity. Think: sacrifices to an angry volcano.

• 1) Feed/walk the pets/children. Otherwise, it just won’t happen.
• 2) Make sure easily digestible food is available. Do not ask if the afflicted is hungry, because that is a stupid fucking question. Migraines tend to kill appetite and frequently come with nausea. When the migraine sufferer’s hunger is greater than his/her general discomfort, s/he will emerge on his/her own. Think: hibernating grizzly bear. During these moments of necessary eating, rice cakes and chicken (heavy on rosemary, light on garlic, onion, or anything else with an unpleasant aftertaste) are good.
• 3) Refill empty prescriptions. Even the ones from your ex-roommates’ oral surgery. After 17 hours in a half-awake pained stupor, three expired Vicodin can really hit the spot.