Positive Thinking turns Existential Crisis

To do list:
Give self credit for the good I accomplish

So jobs that pay and count me as a productive member of society are a bit of a no-go right now. I still do a lot of good. I'm a good person. I don't feel like a good person, but examining the evidence* I certainly have the thoughts and actions of a good person. After having lunch at a recently opened restaurant for the second time and being once more blown away by the fabulous quality of the food, I will leave a review on Yelp. Writing Yelp reviews is easy for me because there's no obligation and I can do it whenever I'm up to it and if I'm never up to it or can't come up with anything to say, it doesn't matter. But when I do publish something on there, it is a service to everyone who reads it and, in the case of positive reviews, a service to the business that made me happy.

I kept the kid entertained for hours on Saturday. It felt to me like "Of course I played with the kid. It was fun and gave me something to do and I couldn't have just left him to sit there bored for four hours." But (thank you, Therapist), everybody else around was quite fine going about their own lives and not giving a flying crap about the happiness of the 8-year-old. I could have brought my card stuff out and worked on it alone and been much more productive in a cards-to-sell sense. But I didn't. I did a good thing.

Good things are good. They are not just expected and obligated. For me there are only obligations and failures. Bad bad bad bad bad. See the good in yourself, Annabell. Acknowledging my own accomplishments (particularly in my own head) is not inherently conceited.

We are all sinners in the eyes of God. Terrible, wretched creatures drawn towards doing terrible, wretched things. Only Gratitude and Magic Words can set us free. Only Good Works and Acknowledging our own Helplessness and Magic Words and Obedience can set us free. Only Death can set us free and God decided ahead of time if that Freedom will be Eternal Suffering or Glory. Only Death can set us free and We decide in every act if that Freedom will be better than the Wretchedness.

Wait, I was raised Jewish.

We are all terrible wretched creatures for what we've done to our mothers by not calling them enough. Only an advanced degree in something that pays well can set us free.

Holy shit, that's my life.

Can I please train myself to think differently? Here's the one I get glimmers of and try to maintain but my satirical Jewy version always looms and beats it up:

Everything is beautiful. Even the most wretched, sick, sad, atrocious is part of The Beautiful. Every time we laugh and remember and breathe and look around, we are free. But it is still our job to help comprise The Beautiful and live our lives, so making as much Happy as possible becomes the daily goal. And then it doesn't feel like such a struggle. It doesn't feel like an escape to be free.

Meanwhile, I just ate a ton of gummy bears and will probably regret it later. Can I look at that as funny? Keep remembering how ridiculous it is? Enjoy the gummy bears. They were tasty and gummy.

I am not wicked for learning how to smile inside before I learn how to make a living. Happiness is more important happiness is more important happiness is more important happiness is more important happiness is more important. Feeling guilty about spending this time writing in my blog instead of doing something that makes an obvious stride towards my financial independence is part of the ridiculous. I won't be happy at anything until I reconcile that guilt. Can I take it out and beat it with sticks? I'm trying to write it all out, but it's more of a snake of grime oozing out of the pore of a blackhead than any satisfying burst. I hope it doesn't scar.