Fuzzy Paradigms

Fuzzy squishy stupor. Half-assed floating around all day. Can't snap out of it because I don't have the will or the want to. I think it's the Neurontin. It's only 10 PM and I think I'm going to bed so I can get a fresh start with a fresh day tomorrow. Fuzzy cold rainy weather. Thought about going over to my neighbors' and getting stoned but I think that would just be me justifying how I feel with something extra I'm doing to myself. Control thing. I'll save my social visit for a day I'm feeling truly social instead of dangerously strange.

One of my friends from Nameless Liberal Arts College came into town for 26 hours for a job interview that didn't go fabulously. Seeing people from that era of my life, though it wasn't that long ago, makes it clearer how much these last two years of migraine incapacitation have changed me. Not necessarily for the worse, and I might have changed without the migraines, but I've had to let a lot of things go and turn my old intensity level almost completely off. I always had the depression, so it's not that; I just can't be a Type A anymore, and that's an odd shift to make. I've had to retool my whole world outlook so as not to go completely insane, and I don't know if you can see the paradigm shifts from the outside, but they make old friends I haven't seen in awhile look totally different. Again, not a change for the worse, just a change.

Excuse me, I need to go curl up and have a frustrated cry in my bed now because I feel like I'm stoned all the time and it's much harder to be productive when you're stoned all the time and I still haven't separated my self-worth as a human being from my productivity level.