Picky Picky

I can see things from lots of different points of view, and my surest belief is that anything entirely possible because we just don't know. Some things may be extremely unlikely, like a chance of one in infinity, but if the world/universe/existence is infinite, then somewhere sometime those things will happen.

When people are new to me, I'm so excited to see the world through a new set of eyes with a new set of stories. It's a puzzle to figure out. Then I start expecting things of the person, and if that person isn't what I want them to be, I get upset with myself for having the expectations, for not putting my own needs out in a clear and understandable manner, and for over-analyzing the situation. I get wrapped up in things and forget the essential piece: I'm human, the other person is human, we are what we are and it's not a contest to see who can suffer the most on another person's behalf. Being happy isn't a crime.

This is why I tend to have just a few close friends.

At biofeedback what I thought was "letting go" and not thinking about it turned out to be extremely tense. That's how I am in social situations, too. When there's a lot of people or if I just let my mouth run, I say stupid shit and do stupid shit because my "natural" or, more accurately, default state is on my guard and terrified. Spending time today with Possible Boy, who seems more and more to be just Friend Boy, I was so awkward. I couldn't relax or stop spewing aphorisms and I seemed so guarded and controlled. And he's so quiet, which is a lot of why I get in freak-out mode, because I don't know what he's thinking or feeling and there's so much being kept inside and I'm trying to keep things inside because I'm trying to be viewed as a girl, but I want to say something magic to make everything smooth and easy and instead all the wrong things fall out of my face.

Ooh, maybe I'll write him a "note." He's working at a school now, and I don't think he ever got notes passed to him back in the day. I'm better on paper. I like paper. And he wants to borrow A Confederacy of Dunces, which I hated but most people love. Maybe I can write him a "note" and fold it up all note-like and stick it in the book. Hmm...or would that freak him out? Don't want to freak him out...

Fuck this. I'm going to bed.