big hurt

Pain is BAD. Hit a blood vessel for the second time ever when giving myself a shot this afternoon. It didn't even phaze me this time; just annoyed I had to keep a wad of toilet paper soaking up the blood until I could get a better bandaid.
Pain is so big only its hem registers so long as I'm still and distracted. I try to be aware of the present when I'm not in pain, right now is the opposite. Anything to distract from the physical and the now.
I was shaking like crazy earlier. That stopped. Just PAIN. I've taken all my drugs. Would pot help? I have an 8:30 AM appointment tomorrow to see my psychiatrist because I've been so crappy. If I didn't have to be awake so early I'd be stoned by now. Need to schedule more biofeedback. It's been months. Need to accept my parents' money, be a grateful disabled leech.
Want to give myself another shot directly into my skull. I need another soft distraction. More food? I'm not hungry, but tasty things are a nice positive sensory experience. Where's the guacamole? Where's the chainsaw?