Too Much

My stomach twists tighter and tighter. For wanting Possible Boy? It's fear and jealousy and it's only getting worse now. Panic panic panic. The money is almost fixed. Why the panic?
I've always had anxiety problems. The last two years may be the first time I haven't had major anxiety problems. Anxiety returns and I flip out over its return. Figures. HDS just had a panic attack for the first time in ages. Something is askew. Ken was talking about some people who are sensitive to solar flares, they just don't know it. Who knows if it's solar flares or extra WoobahWoobah energy being released on planet Xerg or insect migration or what, but yes, I am sensitive to things I do and don't understand. Possible Boy and Aural Girl are living happy ever after and that makes me feel sad and left out and lonely. That's pretty easy to understand. Less easy to understand is why I feel like I'm about to be found out for murder, or the bottom is getting ready to drop from under me in some other huge way. I can't move. I'm looking for some huge thing I fucked up to justify the volume of my panic and it's just not there. This reminds me of when I flat-out lied to a Hebrew school teacher in fourth grade. I atoned for that one at least two Yom Kippurs in a row and made myself sick every time I thought about it.
Can I ever forgive myself for being human? This will  be the second day in a row I take my lorazepam, an anti-anxiety drug I've taken only a few times in my entire life. But for the level of freak-out I'm feeling, it would take a murder or some other very conscious harm to justify the bats in my stomach. This is what the pills are for. Now I'd like to function again. I'd like to figure out  in a non-insane way what and how I'm feeling about the Ken situation. I'd like to get through my emotions without boiling over and shutting down. That would be swell.