tear-jerking

I spent another 3+ hours at the hospital with my grandpa today. He didn't want to do or eat anything and didn't want to have to make decisions and could barely talk and slept most of the time. It was awful. Actually, it wasn't so bad before my aunt and my mom came because it became clear to me very fast that he just didn't want to be bothered with questions so I went with the method of sticking the straw in his face and if he didn't want it he could refuse it, repeat with apple sauce, burger, etc. He refused everything solid and only took a few sips of juice so I let him sleep. Then my mom came and started asking him what he wanted to do, eat, etc. and he got annoyed until she picked up on the "don't ask questions" method. An hour later my aunt showed up and went through the same dance again. We all want so badly to be able to do something but our bumbling and fussing about gets understandably annoying after awhile.
Plus, my grandpa hates making other people feel put-upon. Last night as I was saying goodbye and he was tired and having trouble talking he squeezed my hand and said "I'm sorry I can't say thank you more." It was one of those moments they put in movies to make you cry, except this was my dying grandfather saying it and meaning it.

My mom called tonight to let me know that by the time everybody left for the night, my grandpa was doing much better. They'd put him on a low dose of morphine yesterday to help with his breathing and he'd said during one of his more lucid moments today that he wanted the morphine only at night because it was making him groggy, so they took him off of it and it made a huge difference. It had been making him feel completely drained to the point eating was too much of an effort to be worth the bother which is why he was so completely out of it and miserable, so once it was all out of his system he was back to his former level of not good but lucid. It helps that he's a doctor and his brain's stayed intact because he can recognize what's working and what's not. It also has to be unimaginably frustrating watching all of us stooges running around trying to decide what he needs and clearly having no clue what we're talking about while he and his MD lie there helpless.

The cleaning service people are coming tomorrow. Hallelujah. I really need to be throwing things out and shoving my clothes either in the closet or laundry bag and gathering up my cleaning supplies for them to use, but I'm feeling like a useless lump. It's slightly different from the depression version of things when I'm also hanging out in the "Pit of Despair"* but I'm sad and worried and I'd rather curl up into a ball and play computer games and poke my dog. It's very very good they are coming and that Codenamelessfriend is coming and I have lots to do Saturday. Forces me to do things, even though I just want to hang out and let myself feel sad. I don't want to be consoled or hear the standard comforting crap. I'm sad and that's ok. It can't interfere with my life long-term, but for the short-term, it's perfectly acceptable.


*To be said like the albino says it in Princess Bride