Guys and Dolls and Cupcakes

Model-gorgeous friend I've known since elementary school needs a name in here. For lack of anything better, I'm going with "Ken."
Today is Ken's birthday. Even though it's a Tuesday, he had a party. I brought Aural Girl and we drove down to Humbolt Park.
Aural Girl wants to know why the hell I haven't slept with Ken. Ken made it very, very clear he wants in my pants. He's made it very clear for awhile now. Ken's a really good person in so many ways. He knew me during the worst part of my life and was one of the few kids that didn't treat me like shit. How do I feel about him now? I don't know. Nervous? He's always been a horny boy with a filthy mind, but we used to tell jokes and turn everything we said into dirty jokes on the back of the bus. Flirting was safe when I thought I was an ugly runt that nobody wanted; now it has power. There's just so much history, so many years of nothing-more-than-friendship.

Regardless of Ken, this goes back to the ol' internal debate over sex and love and everything in between. Do I want notches on my bedpost, more experience, more stories to tell, more life to have lived? Or do I accept the part of me that doesn't feel right? Am I repressed or am I repressing my repression?

I'm thinking about this way too much. Relax, brain. Relax, everything. Can I close up the hole in my heart through deep breathing, diet, and exercise? Tonight I was ever so social, but it still craves something specific and not necessarily healthy.