In Decisions

I can't make a decision right now. Will somebody else please be in charge? Just yell at me and boss me around and tell me where I should go and what I should do and when. I feel like a floating head and I don't know what I "should" or even what I want. If I want to be around people or not is more decision than I can handle. People good? People bad? I listen for the internal applause after each suggestion to gague my own reaction. Is there anything that makes my heart aflutter right now? Anything with any pull at all? No overwhelming emotional response, so what ever happened to logic? That used to be my first method of choice. What right now is "Best" for me to do? Go out, see humans, have conversations, face whatever dark underlying fear of Maybe is snaking around my throat? Or crawl into bed, read, and go to sleep ASAP so I have the best possible chance of making it to Iowa tomorrow to see my brother play soccer in his college championship tournament thingy?

In Running With Scissors, a few of the characters frequently opened the bible to a random page, closed their eyes, pointed with a finger, and took wherever they landed as an answer to their question, direct from God. I want to feel that sort of certainty from as simple a ritual. I want to quiet the worry and the questions.

That may be my answer for tonight: if the worry and the questions are being fussy, the last thing I need is to be around other people. Sometimes it works out and I end up engaged in conversations with fellow fussy souls, but I can't storm off into the night and expect to make lightning.

One problem with the stupid hormones I'm on: I no longer have a normal cycle ever, so I'm never sure if mood flare-ups and/or "heavy spotting" are my period or if I'm just randomly fussy. I was talking to Other Girl tonight about life revolving around medical shit.

Wow. I'm not going anywhere. I'm totally zoing out now. Across the street there is a tv playing something with a lot of movement. I'm staring at the tv, watching the motion. Iowa tomorrow? I'll see where I am in the morning. I'd like to write about the character I met at dinner, but I'm done forming sentences.