6 Billion People in the World

Possible Boy never made it in the water past his waist, then fell in fully clothed when he was trying to put on his shoes.

He asks for definitions of words but understands the concepts of what I’m feeling. It’s easier to look up “antithesis” than to perpetuate the lie.

That’s a big part of it: The Lie. Smoothing out the edges. Did I show my hand early? I wanted to.
We’re both getting closer to doing things “right.” Maybe we did exactly what we could. We’re both learning. That was part of his appeal: the sense that I wouldn’t have to hide or be quite as ashamed of what an emotional novice I am. Instead of going after assholes who call the shots or the pancake boys who like my too-smart-for-you bitch side, I thought, “Oh. Here’s a person who might be a good balance.” I still have a lot of growing up to do. This is how I do it. I missed a whole earlier chunk of my life when I could have been figuring this stuff out because I thought if I “knew better” on some kind of academic level, I could avoid getting hurt or dirty. I see consequences and hypotheticals everywhere so I refuse to move or do anything for fear of what I might cause. I’m trying to change and live and try things and let myself get hurt for what I do instead of what I don’t. I’m trying to keep my mess to a normal-person limit. I’m trying to make an income and have friends and do all of these regular grown-up things that I’ve gone from fearing to craving. At least this is the pain I know I want to feel. And nothing is so black and white as I used to think. This isn’t a deep and cutting insult. The sense of rejection is unquestionably there, but despite my best efforts to put myself in an “I’m just not good enough” position, emotions have little to do with logic or measure. Dr. Phil likes simplifying. “He’s just using you for sex.” But there’s just so much more in every moment.

So much world. So much room for lonely.